Wednesday, October 03, 2007

I feel miserable. I feel unloved, unvalued, unappreciated. WRETCHED.

Until now I still can’t believe that the person who once special to me, my soldier, my protector, my hero, and my friend became a living MONSTER from my nightmares.

What happened to me is really unusual to the real-life setting. I mean, I wouldn’t believe that this thing really exists not until it happened to me. Life gave me a blow-- unexpected blow.

As soon as the cursor first blinked in this sheet, I was already thinking what word is apt to describe everything. But I can’t find any DECENT word to use. Oh God Please give me.

I don’t want to drop names but you know who you are. I trusted you, believed in you, became stupid defending you. What have I done wrong to be treated like this? Tell me. I’m waiting for your explanation but all I can get to you is your lame “I got scared?” It was my LIFE and DIGNITY that we’re talking about here. Something bad could have happened to me. And what? You got scared? You’ve traded me to save your life? comm’on! Be true. For once, just be honest. I just need your HONEST explanation. You really wanted to have sex with her? It’s not about the blackmail, right? SHIT.

How would you explain what I read? “here’s the deal, I’ll tell you where she will go tonight so that you can catch her to that bar and we will have sex.”

“I have another plan, I’ll tell you where she lives”
“I’ll show you later where she lives”
“near ust”
“p noval street”
“her class is 11 am”.

EXPLAAAIIINNN!!!!!

Also include in your explanation your lies to me.

“bes, alam pla nila san ka nkatira e” “cnabi mo daw nung lasing ka”

“sabi last night, puta bes bnablakmail ako.”

I even called you and what did you say to me, “hindi ako ngsabi nun?” LIAR.

What is it? Barter trade? Am I that despicable to be traded to them? You’ve never seen her, not even once. She’s even a foreigner and she’s also offering you drugs. You know very well that they are untrustworthy and yet you’ve betrayed me! DAMMIT!

Am I unworthy to be protected and be cared for? Am I that evil to be exchanged to demons? I hate myself.

It was a traumatic experience for me, I tell you. I thought you’ve already done to me all the miserable things that I can think of, but you’ve upgraded yourself. I wasn’t expecting this from you. I am very disappointed. I cannot even get out of galle with a peaceful mind. I’m paranoid. It feels like there is someone waiting outside; asking me to join them and eventually find out that my friend put me in the market world.

You are mean! I’ve been true to you. Why have you forsaken me? SHOW YOURSELF TO ME AND EXPLAIN. As I’ve said, I don’t want us to end up like this.

What is in sex that you can even sell your so called friends?

Yes ladies and gentlemen, I was sold in exchange of sex.