Sunday, July 16, 2006
.......give just one text.......
I just wanted to talk these days. Instead of burying myself studying anatomy physiology, I am writing here. But I can't think of anything--anything that can motivate me to write. I just scribbled thoughts outta here but there seems no perfect idea to talk about. Not until, someone texted me and told me (these were the exact words):
"since high skul kc kahit isang text nya lang kumpleto na buhay koh..hay ang babaw noh??". I don't think that that is so mababaw, well hearing it from a guy--take note from a guy--that is so kilig. I thought that girls were the only one who feel those kilig-ness whenever their special someone text them. I am a living proof of it (haha) but there's nothing to be ashamed of. That is perfectly normal. PERFECTLY normal.
How will that suppose to happen? I mean, the "one text" that will complete your life. We know that we're still young to tell if this feeling is true but that is part of growing up, I guess. Having the right to feel something that could perhaps pass as time goes by except that this feeling is so magical and appropriate to us this time. Yes, appropriate. We need to learn how to distinguish feelings in our own way as early as today. Mainly because we are so young yet so curious about this things, especially the so-called "magical things". Let us explore our own senses, emotions, sensations, passions.
There was a time when I was on my usual writing mode when suddenly my phone beeped. You know what it said? Nah, I can't publish it here but that definitely bust my sanity. For that moment, for 10 seconds, I felt that I had died. And then as if nothing happened, I continued what I was writing except that the theme of my composition has become hatred and madness.
Ok let's go back to what I was saying a while ago (I just wanted to share my experience in that "one text" pattern). So as I was saying that just a text message asking you if you've already eaten can make your senses rise. It can fuel your energy to manage a day full of tasks. It can feed your mind that you won't have difficulty memorizing a 30-40-page lecture about CPR and bandaging. Or even just a text message with no meaning at all just like asking you something about school works can put together your lost humanity (due to mandarin). And just like a simple hello can make your irritation to traffic/LRT jam disappear. That is how powerful a text message could be.
So that "one text", as I've said abundantly here as well as "feelings", is just one factor of surviving boredom in class. Don't take it seriously to the point that you're not making your personal moves and you just rely it to that "one text". I'm addressing this to guys who take us girls in this situation. Guys, don't wait until your time is over or until we feel tired hanging around. We don't have all the time receiving your signals. Plus, we don't have all the time reading your text messages all over again.
To my ever dearest classmate who joined us looking for an aprtment: hoi salamat ulit ha. and pare masama ka pren kay toooot!!!!! at please lang, dalahan mo nko ng pasalubong!!!!!!haha kaluguran daka. mimingat ka. katako mo. (nkalimutan ko na ibig sabihin nyang mga yan, nwala ko ung reviewer ko n ginawa ni almy ehehe)
* *Posted by rakelyvia at 12:05 AM
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Saturday, July 15, 2006
.......Tantrum...sign of immaturity?.......
If so, I guess I'm not and will never be mature enough to act on my age. I'm 18 and time goes very fast each day and I'm not sure if I can deal with it. I look like I'm on my mid-20s but I'm not doing things a normal lady would do. I mean, I should behave well or in proper decorum when outside but I'm not. I should know some other things especially household chores but I don't. I should manage my wants in some circumstances but I can't and if I force myself to, it will just result to my ultimate childish manner...tantrums.
Throwing whatever things you would see, screaming at the top of your lungs, crying like there will be no tomorrow, kicking hard as if your treading under water, pretending like a moron just to get their, whomever is there, attention, name it! I've done those, and continuously doing it by chances. I can't help it. I'd tried hard to control it except it just resulted to some kind of a bad stipulation so I stopped attempting again. It's not really that bad as a cancerous one however it's like the feeling of fretfulness that a child is having if he can't have that special toy in the store, or the bad sensation of regrets, and uneasiness if you try to prevent crying when you don't feel anything but cry. It's like there is a bomb ticking inside your body and is ready to explode anytime. And the worst is, when I try to control having tantrums, I feel like I will be having a heart attack shortly.
So if immaturity is measured through your childish attitude or the like, I am guilty undeveloped. But don't get me wrong. As I've said, I tried but I failed and I'm afraid to make an effort again. I don't want to make things hard for myself, do you? Point is (why I don't want to stop) I get this satisfaction every after my tantrums. I've got to release my emotions and anger, get the attention and still my ego is at hand and in place. In short, it's my outlet. O yeah, that's so selfish and IMMATURE of me.
Nevertheless, the reason is not merely material things. Stress and discontentment are the main cause, I presume, since I easily go nuts and worried over something. Concentrating is the hardest thing for me. I cannot give due attention to one object or idea. And if things go out of my plans, I really get annoyed and obstinate. I don't know why or to whom or to what that's why I dont have any other outlet but to cry and scream. Throwing things as well as seeing those things fly and hit the wall, ceiling or other object, and finally striking the floor give me this fantastic pleasure. I picture them as worries, fears, and doubts flying away from me. Saying goodbye to my juvenile mind and feeling at ease again.
So what's the finale here, eh? I still don't know how to end this one. But one thing is for sure, I may be childish in many ways; however that is not a hindrance for me to grow (though slower than anyone on my age) and cultivate myself to the things I learned to whatever things I did. Childishness is not as bad as many of us think about it. It's just, we love attention. We love being a child, the love, and everything about it. Its meaning just differs on one's perception about it. The thing is, we enjoy it.
And no one was harmed. That's the most important, right?
****
I gotta tell you something about controlling tantrums. This just happened a while ago, 4-5hrs ago. (July 15, 2006)
so we went to dentsci building for our religion class. We were waiting at the waiting area then suddenly I got this feeling that I wanted to throw everything in the table. Of course I did not do that; I'm still on the right frame of mind after all except that my tantrum is attacking me again--on the wrong place at the wrong time. I cannot manage to relax myself so I just stand there gripping the table hard. Finally, someone noticed that I cannot even place myself to sit. He knows that I'm still having tantrums by any chance so I told him that I was likely to have one but I'm trying hard to control it. It was so hard and frustrating not to release it. I tried to walk from one corner to the other even so it did no good. I sat beside him and told him "ako lang pwede maging childish". Maybe that's the reason why it was attacking me again. He's also as childish as I am and I hate that. He never treated me as a kiddo (spoiling me) like my former classmates did and that's driving me crazy. While I'm telling him those, I was kicking the floor hard and almost cried. And as I was breathing so deep to loosen up, he was just sitting quietly and writing something. That's good. I eventually realized that all I need was a peaceful place with a quiet company. No pressure. But I felt uneasiness embracing my whole body. I was uncomfortable all throughout the next classes. when I got home; I free all my worries. I threw every pillow in my bed and every stuff toy that was calmly sitting on the nearside drawer. it was a relieved. And that helps a lot.
What's the conclusion? The conclusion is, my grumpiness is getting worse whereas controlling it is as hard as solving why Nora Aunor talks that way.
* *Posted by rakelyvia at 11:49 PM
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Tuesday, July 04, 2006
.......sadness.......
yes, the weather is not that good today and so am I.
just finished the post test in RLE and it's really quite difficult. Honestly, mas madali pa yung pre test (kahit na hindi nmen alam ung coverage ng exam). RETDEM i
quite did it well, as usual NORMAL. got 3 96 for vital signs and 91 in physical assessment. the rest 100. but. but. but. it's mababa na sa section nmen. hayyy. pressured.
on the other news, sadness. the sun doesn't seem to shine very brightly to my senses these days. the sky keeps on giving me those signs of rains and storms. how comehe never felt the sadness its bringing to me?
waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh nakakaloka to..
if i could just write it here
well, busy. busy.
* *Posted by rakelyvia at 8:36 AM
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Saturday, July 01, 2006
.......busy huh!?.......
* *Posted by rakelyvia at 8:00 AM
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